The long and winding road......

a story of grief, loss, pain, hope and deliverance....


We were married in Scotland (where I was born and raised). As newlyweds we moved to Mark's hometown in Arizona. So happy, so in love, we innocently made plans for our future together. A week after we were married I eagerly awaited the pregnancy test result! We could not wait to start a family of our own. Month after month, I stared at the negative pregnancy test willing another line to appear is if by magic. Some months I would take as many as 15 pregnancy tests, in the hope that one of them would give me the result that I so desired. I wanted to be a mother. Every part of my being ached for a child. I slowly began to shy away from social gatherings, everywhere I looked, there were pregnant ladies, every conversation seemed to incorporate birth stories, c-sections and epidurals. I didn't know quite where I fit. It was a very lonely time.


After a year of trying to conceive, the doctor began running some tests. We were told that it would be impossible for us to conceive naturally. It felt as if we had been stabbed in the heart!!!
A short while later we prayerfully considered adoption. We both felt strongly that this was going to be the path for us.. We began the rigorous adoption paperwork. I was obsessed with getting everything done quickly, It was a lot of work but my desire to be a mother was my fuel. I began creating a nursery for the child that I longed for.

In Aug 2004 we got a phone call from an adoption agency saying there was a birthmother that had liked our profile, she was due in a few days, we were told that the birth mother had admitted to drug usage during the pregnancy, and she was having a BOY!!! She narrowed it down to us and one other couple. I could barely take in all the information I was so excited. That afternoon I got another phone call saying that we had been chosen!! I was literally dancing around in my living room!!! We were ecstatic!

I immediately began packing, family members excitedly brought us baby clothes and essentials to take with us. The next day we flew out to Iowa to meet "Sandra" . When we met her, I stared at her pregnant belly, this was really happening!! I was kind of star struck, I felt so humbled by what this lady was about to give to our family. I remember admiring how beautiful she was, and could only imagine how handsome our new little boy was going to be. I was on cloud nine!

Early next morning we got a phonecall, it was "sandra" she asked me... "so are you ready to meet your son??" Tears sprung out my eyes as we raced to the hospital to meet him. "Sandra" place the most beautiful little baby boy I had ever seen, into my arms. He was wrapped tightly in blankets and was a warm bundle in my arms, I took off his little hat and felt his soft silky hair, I stroked his velvety soft cheeks. I could barely see through my tears, I kept whispering "thank you, thank you, thank you" to "sandra" Wondering why I couldn't think of a more suitable, expression of my heart. He was here, we had a son. We decided to name him Jacob Mark. Life was perfect!

The hospital kindly gave us a private room just off of the nursery, where we could stay with our baby Jacob. So there we stayed for three days, rocking him, cuddling him, feeding him, changing him, singing to him and making plans for our future as a family of three.

Nothing could have prepared me for the news- "Sandra" had changed her mind! She had decided that she no longer wished for him to be placed for adoption. I was completely stunned...... I was in shock! How could this be happening??? NOOOO this can't be happening!!! A social worker came to take baby "anthony" (as he was now being called) and he was placed with a foster family. Since "sandra" was still taking drugs.

I didn't know what to do, I tried pleading with the birthmother to reconsider her decision but this was not to be the outcome. We were completely heartbroken. We prayed to Heavenly Father and asked him for a miracle. We returned to Arizona completely defeated, devastated, angry, and vulnerable, pushing the empty stroller and car seat around the airport, with swollen eyes.
For days I would cry myself to sleep not knowing if I would ever get the opportunity to be a mommy. I was angry with God, why would he allow this baby to have gone into the welfare system, when here we were, a happily married, stable couple who were deeply in love with this little boy, we would have taken care of him and raised him well. What if he went his whole life not knowing that someone loved him? I would call the social worker in Iowa and ask about "jacob" but she couldn't tell me anything due to breech of confidentiality. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I would go into the nursery we had prepared and sob. I sank into depression, how could I find joy in my life without children? What was my purpose? Why did my body go through the monthly cycle of creating and discarding a perfectly good egg? Why did Heavenly Father allow babies to be born into bad situations, but He didn't trust us??? How could we try to adopt again? What if this were to happen again???? How could I be grieving for a child that was never mine?

Three months later, we were chosen by another birthmother. We KNEW we were going have to keep trying, in order to be able to have a family. We were ready to put our hearts on the line once again in the hope for a child we could call our own. We patched up our wounded hearts and headed to Utah. We drove home a week later with our precious bundle Kyle. We were able to take him to the temple and be sealed...... a highlight of my life.

We have since had another 2 sons, through the help of fertility treatments. Brody and Owen. And last year we brought our little princess Ava home, through the love of her sweet birth mother.







We now have four precious children, each have come to us in their own unique and incredible ways. I still think of "baby Jacob" often, and hope and pray that he is happy and cared for and loved wherever he is. I have learned that Heavenly Father is in charge. That he has a special plan for each of his children. It will happen on His time frame. I am grateful for the experiences we have had in building our family.
To those couples who morne for a child, I ache for you, please don't give up hope. Do your part and let the Lord do His. The weight of your empty arms is excruciating, But the amazing thing about carrying this trial of childlessness is........ when you are blessed with your child (however he/she may come to you) the trial is over! It is OVER!